It is a new season in my life, one that is challenging, vulnerable, raw, and unexpectedly beautiful.

Over the last year, God has been weaving something within me that has left me both speechless and in awe of His power and wonder. He has been teaching me rich, theological truths that have honestly blown my mind! I have felt the Lord molding and renewing my mind in ways I never thought possible. 

I feel as though I have been living out Ephesians 2:10, when Paul said, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10). As God has been teaching me this year, I have felt the crafting of His perfect hands in my life.

The Year That Began With Loss

In January of 2025, that weaving began in a way I never could have anticipated. Our year opened with the loss of a surprise pregnancy through a life-threatening miscarriage. In the aftermath, God began transforming my heart, revealing difficult truths, refining my understanding of Him, and planting seeds of revelation deep within me. In the center of my grief and heartache from the loss of my unborn child, I felt the nearness of God. God wasn’t kidding when He said, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). And I am so grateful for this piece of God’s character.

Seeds Beneath the Soil

During this year’s growing and cultivating season, God showed me the seeds He was causing to expand. Some of those seeds were planted this year. Others had been buried long before. However, this was the year they grew. This was the year they flourished. This was the year the Lord birthed something new within me that, in all honesty, completely reshaped how I understand Him. In a way only God could orchestrate, as He was planting the seeds for my upcoming book within my heart, he also planted a physical seed within me after the miscarriage: our rainbow baby.

Throughout this year, this child has felt like a living testimony of the work God has been doing in my life. God has shown up and spoken over this rainbow baby in beautiful ways. He was prayed over and prophesied over while still in the womb. God gave me visions concerning my two living sons and the call He has placed on their lives: as pillars in the church. There has been a holy stirring within my heart, my home, my spirit, and even my womb.

And I am deeply grateful for all of it. Yes, even for the miscarriage that began this journey.

Holding Grief and Joy Together

My heart still breaks for the tiny life I never got to hold or know. Now that my son has been born, there are moments when I look at him and feel a quiet ache—a longing for the unborn child I loved and lost before I ever met him. Joy has not erased my grief. Love for my newborn has not diminished the sorrow of loss. Both live together in my heart. 

Yet seeing all that God has done since the miscarriage has given me a renewed perspective on my pain. Romans 8:28 gives us one of the most important promises of Scripture: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). This piece of Scripture has become more real to me than ever before in my life. I can say with confidence that I have tasted the fruit of this promise. And it is sweet. 

A Hope Anchored in Heaven

I believe my unborn child is safe in the fields of Heaven. Sometimes I imagine him running, laughing, dancing, rushing toward the Father with open arms and a radiant smile. I picture him leaping into God’s embrace. I imagine the Lord whispering into his ear, “You are so loved.”

I don’t know whether those images come from God or my own imagination. What I do know is that they are born from pure, maternal, eternal love for the soul that once lived within me. And I know this: my body and my heart were able to bring a soul into existence who will never know suffering or the weight of sin. He will only ever know the fullness of life Scripture promises:
“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). And for that, I am grateful. I celebrate his life.

Yes, I still cry, even as I write. But I also rejoice. Because I believe I will meet my son again in Heaven. In this season, my heart holds both grief and great joy: grief for the child we lost, and joy for the incredible gift of our rainbow baby.

When I Don’t Understand the Why

When I first sat down to write this post, I wrestled with which direction to take it. There were many truths I wanted to share. But as I reached this point, one truth rose above the rest, especially during this Christmas season:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD” (Isaiah 55:8).

Even when I cannot see the why behind the painful circumstances of this life, I know the Who is more than enough to sustain me. So, for anyone reading this and struggling with grief during this Christmas season, hold tight to these promises. God has not given up on or abandoned you. He has not stopped crafting and molding your life into His priceless masterpiece. 

And that truth gives me tremendous hope and great joy.